


the wildest flowers

by robin_hoods



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Post-Canon, i have no idea whether to tag this as poly or not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 18:29:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7398685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robin_hoods/pseuds/robin_hoods
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe, if Celty knew, she would tell her to stop trying to wrap her head around it. Because she can’t. This is bigger than her and Saika put together. This is a force of nature.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the wildest flowers

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what this is. Uh. Yeah.
> 
> This is the last thing I wrote for rarepair month, sorry it's so late, I've been very busy. :x Please enjoy it anyway. :)

For as long as she can remember, Anri has been uncertain about the concept of love. She knows what it is, in theory, but the idea of family, friends, and – she blushes at the thought – lovers caring deeply for each other doesn’t connect with her.

For a long time, she tells herself that this is why she has Saika. Saika can love people for her all she wants, all she needs, and she doesn’t have to give much in return. But the thought of being unable to love anyone of her own volition keeps her up at night. Even if she has Saika, she is also her own person – and she knows it is this person that other people love, not the blade that lives inside her.

Even after everything that happens with Niekawa Haruna and her following hospitalisation, the discovery of Kida in the factory, and finding him bloody and injured just mere days later. Even after all that, she often feels like a hostage to her own feelings, uncertain about what it all means. She knows she cares about her friends, as much became clear that moment. But she’s not sure if what Ryuugamine-kun feels for her is the same thing she feels for him. Her confusion, and her lack of understanding, make her incredibly hesitant to even consider pursuing something remotely romantic with him, because she supposes it wouldn’t be fair to either of them.

So she goes on with her life, and life goes on too, sometimes with her and sometimes without.

Not so many years after, she realises with growing trepidation that the way she’s started to see Celty is decidedly less sister-like than she had originally imagined. She has always seen Celty as something of a sister figure, ever since they met, so coming to this realisation is akin to finding out volcanoes aren’t just a passive part of the landscape like everything else.

She feels terrible about it, because she knows Celty and Kishitani-sensei are happy together – or happier than she’s seen most other people in relationships, anyway. So she decides then and there, in the soup aisle of the grocery store, that she’ll never tell a soul about… about these desires she has. She hurriedly moves on to pay for her items, and tries not to think about what would happen if Celty happened to come over, tonight. Just the thought itself, that she’s even considering it, makes her face heat up. It makes her want to hide herself away in her apartment, and never open the door again.

The thing is, it’s hard to talk about feelings you have when you can barely understand them. Anri looks back at those moments where Celty helped her out with fondness; not to mention the amount of times she offered Anri to stay at her house, whenever it was unsafe. Or whenever she needed to not be alone. She appreciates that. And Celty has always understood that she does, assuring her Anri doesn’t have to thank her over and over for what she considers the normal hand of friendship.

She’s been thinking a lot about these feelings, lately.

Maybe, if Celty knew, she would tell her to stop trying to wrap her head around it. Because she can’t. This is bigger than her and Saika put together. This is a force of nature.

And it’s not as if she wants Celty to kiss her (or, maybe she does, but she can’t, even if she would’ve liked to). But she knows she wants things, certain things she can’t articulate, things that would make her blush if she said them out loud. She wants them, nonetheless.

She has dinner with Celty and Shinra once a week, and although Celty can’t join them in eating their food, she’s always very pleased to see the two of them enjoy what she’s made. It’s not the weirdest thing for a headless woman to feel accomplished about, Anri realises as she fiddles with her chopsticks, her cheeks warmer than usual. In fact, it’s a very normal thing to feel good about.

She appreciates the companionship, though; she likes listening to Kishitani-sensei ramble on about work, and rambunctious patients. She likes seeing Celty’s body shake with laughter, shaking her head at the dozen or so silly things that come spilling out of Shinra’s mouth. She likes all of that, and more. She likes that, when she leaves, Celty always tells her to take care. She likes how she leans forward and wraps her arms around Anri, properly hugging her, and despite her Anri’s belief that she lacks the ability to do so, she thinks she loves that a little.

Maybe that’s why people like Anri and Celty exist, she thinks, chewing on a piece of vegetable. Celty isn’t human, and for a very long time, Anri thought she wasn’t either. But perhaps that’s what’s made her realise that all this, all these moments, are what matter the most to her.

“How’s the shop, Anri-chan?” Shinra asks, having finished his fill of dinner.

“Good,” she says, with a smile. “More people are stopping by, now that they know it’s open again. Thank you for spreading the word.”

‘It’s no problem at all,’ Celty assures her. ‘I’m happy to see you do so well.’

She’s not speaking for the both of them, Anri notices. But Celty has watched her grow from shy teenage girl to young woman, although her confidence still needs some work. When she announced to them a few months ago that she would be reopening her parents’ antique shop, Celty was the one most over the moon about it, immediately volunteering to help her clean and make everything ready. She’s lucky to have someone like Celty in her life.

“So am I!” Shinra intervenes, and grins when Anri blushes. “Actually, we bought some ice cream as a treat, for a special occasion. This counts as a special occasion, doesn’t it?”

“Oh, you don’t have to,” Anri hurriedly says.

‘We want to, though,’ Celty says. Anri thinks she’s smiling now, although she obviously can’t read it from her face. She’s gotten a little better at reading Celty’s body language, over the years. She’s had to, when you can’t rely on someone’s facial expressions to see how they feel. ‘I can tell something’s bothering you, though,’ she adds after Shinra has disappeared into the kitchen, his head bowed deeply into the fridge. ‘But you don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to.’

She’s forgotten how easy it is for Celty to read her, too. “I…” she starts, the blush on her cheeks darkening.

‘Was it something I said? Or did?’ Celty adds, and Anri almost wishes she would see her being embarrassed as her being distraught, instead. That would be easier to explain.

“No!” she says. “No, no, absolutely not. I just… I wanted to say…”

She doesn’t know what it is that she wants to say, and Celty puts a hand on her shoulder that she’s sure is meant to be encouraging. It just makes her blush harder, though.

“I wanted to say… thank you. I know I have before, but I… It seems like I’m figuring out new things every week, and it’s thanks to you – and Kishitani-sensei – that I’m the person I am now. I’m really glad about that. You’re always so kind to me, and for a long time I thought that… that maybe I didn’t deserve that. I thought I was only using people, to make myself feel better. Maybe I was. I don’t know. But… just knowing you were there, that I had someone to rely on, someone I could call if I needed to. I’m glad I had that.”

‘You still do, Anri-chan,’ Celty says, and Anri looks at her through her lashes. Shinra’s puttering in the kitchen has gone quiet. He must’ve been listening in, too, she thinks, although she doesn’t mind so much. He’s been very welcoming to her, after all, every time she’s been here. It’s why she feels even worse when she thinks about what she realised.

If she doesn’t say anything, she knows she’ll always have a place here. If she doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t run the risk of losing what she has. Maybe it’s selfish, to want to keep this. But maybe it’s also selfish to say what she’s dreamed out loud, and ruin not only her own life in the process.

Celty puts her PDA in her line of vision again. ‘Don’t beat yourself up over this, Anri-chan. It’s in the past. I’m also very grateful I got to know you, too.’

“You are?” she timidly asks, and Celty nods, her neck bobbing back and forth.

‘Of course! And I’m so proud of you, being the lovely lady you are now. You’ve come very far.’ Anri promptly blushes again. ‘You know you can tell me anything, right?’

“I know,” she quietly says, and looks over the counter at Shinra, who is humming the tune from that show Celty often watches, about aliens. “Can I… write it instead?”

She’s probably a little bewildered by the request, but Celty hands over her phone anyway.

It takes a few moment of her fingers hovering above the keyboard before she can organise her thoughts enough to be able to type what she wants to say. She says she’s sorry, she says she doesn’t know how long it’s been, she says maybe it’s always been like that. ‘I think I like you as more than a friend,’ she says, and pauses momentarily. She wonders if using the word like is too cutesy, but she can’t say love, because she still doesn’t even understand what love entails, and how can she claim to love someone when she’s not even sure? She says she’s sorry, again, because she doesn’t know what else to say. She says she doesn’t want to cause any trouble, she says she’ll leave if she has to, she says ‘I don’t know what to do’. Because she doesn’t.

Celty reads her message when she’s done, and aside from Shinra clanging spoons onto glass in the kitchen, it’s a quiet affair. Anri steels herself, ready to get up, ready to leave and never come back. Celty stands up instead, puts her phone on the table, and steps around the corner so she’s standing right next to Anri.

She’s not sure what she’s expecting, but it’s not being lifted out of her chair with surprising strength, warm arms wrapping around her body. It’s not what she was expecting at all, but it’s nice, nonetheless.

When they do finally let go, Anri thinks there’s fondness in the way Celty stands, her body relaxed and open, close next to her.

She jumps a little when Shinra puts the desserts on the table with a clunk, saying, “Oh? Did she finally tell you?” She blushes, again, and Celty flicks him in the nose. He laughs, and then grins at her. “It’s easy to fall in love with the loveliest woman on the planet, isn’t it?”


End file.
